I have always been a saver- from the age of 4 and up. I liked having money and tried to spend it fairly wisely. I got my first job when I was 16 and worked on the weekends. It sucked being the only one in my friend group that couldn’t do whatever I wanted on the weekends, but I was also the only one that didn’t have to ask my parents for money. When I was 17 I met my first husband. It was love at first sight for him, but I eventually warmed up. Things were going well with us, but we were young and he was not in a good financial place. I knew we had to take care of that before we could move in together after I graduated. Little did I know how much debt he was in. But, I was in love and wanted to “fix” the problem.

We worked for 2 years to get him up to date on his debts and was able to save some money for a place of our own. When I was 19, we got engaged. It was exactly what I thought I wanted at the time. At 20, we finally found a house to rent that we could afford. It wasn’t perfect, but we were so excited to have a place to call ours. In the beginning we had to watch our money very carefully to make sure we could pay all of our bills each month. We didn’t have cable for nearly 2 years. I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal now, but streaming services weren’t a thing yet. We had 3 channels and made do with what was on. My ex eventually got a different job that paid more and allowed us a little more freedom. We knew we wanted to buy a house someday, but we weren’t in a position to do so yet. 

When I was 22, we got married, and at 24 welcomed our son. We knew having a child was expensive, but everyone told us that “there was never a perfect time”. We bought many things ahead of time and felt prepared to bring a new life into our house. Money wasn’t too bad for the 3 months I was on maternity leave. I was still getting a paycheck and rarely leaving the house. As most mothers are, I was very distraught when it was time to go back to work- I didn’t want to leave my baby. Eventually, I did, but driving a little over an hour each way for work and dropping/picking up my son from my sister-in-law’s each day became tiresome. I was working to pay for the necessities, but not really bringing anything home. A few months in, my sister-in-law switched jobs and was no longer able to babysit our son. My job was unwilling to work with me on a different schedule, so I moved to another position within the company that was more suited to our new life.

My son went on to be watched by a friend of ours that was a stay at home mom. It worked out well because she didn’t charge us much and was 5 minutes from our house. Fast forward a couple of years and we’ve decided to buy our first home. It was a beautiful 1940s house in a small town with some of our good friends within walking distance. Because of the Great Recession, homes were still going for fairly low prices. However, we wanted to go into homeownership with no debt. We tried earnestly to cut down on our debts, but ultimately were afraid someone else would snatch up our house. We made the poor decision to take money out of my 401K. That decision left us with little in retirement (my ex had none at this point) and a hefty tax to pay later that year.

In March 2012, we bought the house and only had the mortgage to worry about. Things were going pretty good until my babysitter friend said she was ready to return to work and wouldn’t be able to watch my son much longer. At this point I was tired of everything. I didn’t like spending so much time away from my home and family and I wasn’t bringing any income to the table. I decided to put in my notice at work. I’ll admit it was a rash decision- I didn’t even talk to my husband before doing it. After we spent time discussing our options, we both agreed that it would make more sense to stay home rather than work for gas and money for a sitter. 

Soon after, I was a stay at home mom looking to make some extra money through my passion, photography. We would soon discover this was a pivotal move for our future finances. For reasons I’m not sure I still know the answer to, my ex was fired from his job. He quickly spiraled into a depression and had little motivation to do anything. I knew we had to do something, so I filled out the paperwork for his unemployment, signed us up for the government assistance we qualified for, and increased my working time at my photography business. Over roughly a year, I was the only one bringing in steady yearly income of $12,000.

We barely scraped by, but our already fragile relationship was crumbling. I understand depression and the crippling effect it can have on you, but I was feeling alone in everything. I brought in the money, I found jobs for my ex to apply to, I took care of the house, yard, our son, and budgeted what little money we had. My dad saved us by finding a seasonal job for my ex at his work. The pay was good, but it was only temporary. We got back on top of our expenses and started moving back into the green.

However, having a husband that worked third shift and 80-100 hours per work took even more of a toll on our marriage. I wasn’t happy. I was trying to plan a way to tell him it was over without losing our friendship. However, life stepped in and he found out before I was prepared. My world spiraled out of control as I was lost and embarrassed. He was doing every sneaky thing he could to make me look bad to our family and friends. Now my plan of moving on without him was fast-tracked into figuring everything out in a short matter of time. We quickly learned we couldn’t live in the same house and stay cordial with each other. I wanted the house, but realistically knew I had no way to pay the mortgage.

Part two coming soon…